The Change I Never Wanted

I don’t know if I trick the world
With kind words and smiles aplenty
But I have looked inside myself
And seen that I am empty.
 
If I sink my hand into my skin
And show my white ribs bare
Break open bones and break the cage
You’ll see there’s nothing there.
 
Two tobacco lungs like corridors
Surrounding an empty hole
A blackened pit, a blot, or stain
For a girl without a soul.
 
I don’t know where it went at all
If it was stolen when I slept
Or if the lonely ache was too much to cope
And so got up and left.
 
But I woke up one cloudy morning
To the birds and woodland chimes
And my body was heavy with emptiness
And a blankness to my mind.
 
I work through seas of rain and fog
Can’t see straight, can’t navigate
My map is wrong, the road is gone
Where could I have gone so wrong?
 
And I sat down on the gravel
And let the darkness take me home
Not the one I lived before
A relic of a time now long ago
 
The shadows are my blankets now
And one room remains my cage
I can’t fathom feelings – joy or life
Or aching sadness, rage.
 
There is nothing here any more.
I have no words left in my head.
There’s medication in the dining room
I might off myself instead.

 

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