Your eyes are filled with sadness, dear.
Your heart is growing dark,
You do not smile the same, sweetheart,
Your laughter’s lost its spark.
I don’t know if it’s you or me,
Or the space between us both,
But when I see you, you are not the same,
As the man I loved the most.
My words are heavy on my tongue,
Too much for lips to start,
We separate with soft, sad words,
Far from the fire of the start.
There’s a monster in my chest
He beats my heart like drums
I’m choking on this blood of mine
That’s pooling in my lungs.
I feel as though I’m drowning
And my vision’s turning white
Blur before me, avalanche
Tell me that I’m right.
There’s a hole inside my body
Where you’ve eaten me away
I squint through colour, motion, shame
I stumble to the end of days
Jerusalem falls around me
The soldiers at the wall
Have laid siege to my temple
Just a day too long
It’s October, when I crumble
Flames burn away my gold-tinged skin
I fall like Autumn leaves
And whisper curses to the wind.
There was something here, once
A beauty to be had
But I lost that, oh years ago
When everything turned bad
I am the image of no one.
The sky is empty tonight
My limbs are dead around me
And my neck is flecked with blight.
I zone out to rope and medicine
And vomit down my front
There are monsters haunting me
From which I turn and run
They’re down every hallway
Handprints on every wall
They’ve cracked every floorboard
Pandemonium feels so small.
My body’s not my own now
I’m blood and flesh and shame
That’s why I call him Monster
For I do not know his name
Tears rip through my eyelids
And spill right down my face
This isn’t what I wanted
This boiling, burning place.
But I see him when I close my eyes
And count, so slow, to ten
I choke on black and empty space
And whisper my amen.
I’m begging you to save me
Just pull me out of here
I don’t know if I want to die
But I do want to disappear.
I want you to rest me easy,
Cotton, for my face,
Press til I stop kicking,
And over me, say grace.
Purge the evil from this vessel
And rid the monster, yes
I s’pose I’ll meet you in the elsewhere
It’s not for me to guess.
It’s the name that I can’t say
It’s the bullet in my brain
It’s the answer to all my questions why
It’s the hurt behind my eyes and the reason I can’t cry
It’s the pain inside my chest and why I’m screaming to the sky
Chorus
Oh, take me home
I know I don’t belong here anymore
Oh, I want to go
I don’t know what it is I’m asking for
Rip me open, take my heart
It was broken from the start
Erase the parts that I can’t see
I’m all but begging on my knees
Darling please I don’t know you
But you’re the one I’m crying to
A promise held in future times
A push to walk a reason why
My heart is open have my soul
Take it, here, have it all
I give to you every last part
My open chest, my empty heart
Rest between the scarlet curves
The pretty lies the broken girl
Look past my lips look past my smile
I’ve been dying for a while
Baby please don’t leave me here
You’re the only thing that I hold dear
Across the ocean far from me
A key to life that I can’t see
Chorus
I haven’t seen where I live
But I know where I exist
Push past the fog and through the mist
Lead there and take my kiss
Hold me in your aching arms
Kiss along these ugly scars
Tell me that you’ll love me
Even when we’re worlds apart
I look up to the break of dawn
Sick of this and wanting more
You sit beside me in my mind
I’ve been empty all this time
I know that you’re not really here
But won’t you lay with me my dear
It helps me cling onto this plane
Cut through these locks and break these chains
A thousand questions far from me
Now I know what dying means
I’m tired of doing what I hate
I’m going home it’s getting late
You may never know my name
And for that you take no blame
The world it wasn’t big enough
If you look for me just look above
I don’t know where I’m going now
It’s not this place it’s not just town
I feel faint and I feel sick
And yet I’m calm that this is it
Chorus
They are ripping down the cherry trees,
With teeth of steel and iron,
Before dusk, when the moon’s still up,
Beneath Draco and Orion.
The grunts of sweat and blood and men,
Are deafening in the night,
Shadows painted on the soil,
From their glowing torch of light.
The fruits were picked off long ago,
It was winter when they came,
Soldiers clad with helmet and axe,
And titles instead of names.
Amongst the throng there are no cheers,
When the first bough hits the ground,
A thud, then a scatter of leaves,
A resolute and aching sound.
Hair dark as driftwood
Eyes clear as glass
The time of the Ancients
Has not come to pass
You fly through the water
You stare back at me
Your home is the rivers
Your home is the sea.
Shipwrecked, we lay
On sand and soil
Your silent words bubble
Like eggs in oil
When I look to you
I see nature bare
Like the sun, my eyes water
If for too long I stare
You pull me under
My lungs tear apart
You gasp and remember
My mortal start
Holding me close
In your plywood arms
I gasp at the surface
Your hand on my heart
That’s where you keep it
Coming forth I see sails
And the yachtsman gasps
At the girl with the scales.
Her name was Mabel Cross
And she smoked cigarettes
Grey bloomed between her lips
And bruises wore her neck
She smiled at me once
When I was in the dinner line
And I spent three days replaying it
In the cinema of my mind
She kissed me there, in the real one
Halfway through the matinee
It was the saddest war film
We got heckled to behave
She made romance in the silly things
And love in every room
We fucked everywhere in her house
And on the grass below the moon
Chorus
Mabel
My baby, Mabel
I still think about you, hope you know
Mabel
My darling, Mabel
Why oh wow did you tell me to go?
She kissed me in the falling dark
With sand beneath our legs
I had on all my finery
Dress pressed and lipstick red
We tasted salt of open sea
And breeze tousled her locks
We spent the night under the sky
Collecting shells and rocks
She led me to the ocean
It was cold and froze my legs
She told me she would warm me up
But then kissed me instead.
I told her she’s my darling
And she said she loved me too
Perhaps that’s what this ‘being’ means
No one else, the world, and you.
Chorus
Mabel
My baby, Mabel
I got your text just thought I’d let you know
Mabel
My darling, Mabel
I’m in my car, to meet you I go
I wish that you would hold me,
As dusk brings the end of day,
And all my aching troubles,
Would get up and fade away.
Like shadows they would leave me,
Cast long in evening air,
But then you switch the light on,
And the shadows go elsewhere.
Darling, reach inside me,
There’s a storm behind my eyes,
I’m trapped in life and body,
I’ve grown crooked, to despise.
Take the fire out, leave me empty,
And kiss the stars goodnight,
I will blur the lines of emptiness,
Or calm behind the eyes.
If you held me I’d die happy,
I could pass soundly in my sleep,
I just need to think that if I did,
Over me you’d weep.
And I’d look down from three feet up,
And smile softly too,
That I didn’t waste twenty years,
But when you leave I know I do.
