[while a lot of my poetry handles themes of mental health I feel this one may be particularly triggering for those with experiences of abuse and trauma, so if you have felt discomfort reading things with such themes in the past, I’d recommend against reading this]
I’ll get drunk, I’ll be naive
I’ll choke on shots you won’t believe
How familiar this all is to me.
This downwards spiral down to hell
What percentage’s this let’s take a smell
Yes, yes this will ruin me nicely.
Poison, bottle, down the hatch
The world is blurring what a catch
This whole ‘existence’ deal is
I want to scream I want to die
I want to drink I want to cry
I want you to give me a single reason why.
So kiss me hard ignore my no
Put your hand around my throat
Take me back to places I don’t wanna go
It’s your face I see but not your eyes
Is that a frown is that a smile?
Do you shout my name in anger or in rage?
The tarmac’s hard against my knees
Tear me up, I want to bleed
I want to know I’m real now.
I’m halfway here I’m halfway gone
It’s not just the alcohol
It’s the Elsewhere that has taken me so long.
You get it now you’ve cottoned on
I don’t know why it takes so long
For the shouting yes the shouting to start
Let’s walk away let’s leave the rave
Just beat me to an early grave
I’ll be quiet now I promise I’ll behave
Smile at the taxi man
I’m here enough I know I can
I promise babe he won’t suspect a thing
I’m not nervous please look past my shakes
Tomorrow I’ll cry for my mistakes
But the moon’s still up and the world is different now.
We get out here panic sets in
My heart hammers hard as you break my skin
I see myself fall apart on the floor
A broken toy a damaged good
I’m so fucking weak I knew I would
Ignore me please this crying isn’t me
Okay so maybe I don’t enjoy all this
But it helps me see beyond the mist
It grounds me, helps me, if you will.
Those words this blood it’s what I know
The cries, the pain – I call it home
So if you enjoy it I guess it looks like we both win.
I’m the drum you beat and here it starts
There’s an empty hole right in my heart
It won’t last long but for an hour I’ll feel full
No, I don’t know how it got this bad
Therapy and pills, six years I’ve had
But for the pain that’s left I medicate myself.
A line of kisses down my front,
The stitching from my head to heart,
Where you live amongst the scarlet,
As if I knew you from the start.
Your skin’s the shade of fresh milk,
The top – the froth beneath the lid,
Spoiled, with bruises like,
The fruit the farm hands hid.
If your neck is peach your hair is lemons,
Squeezed for the finest lemonade,
Tart – not bitter – the colour of summer,
For dizzy dreams beneath the shade.
I lay beside the fallen trunk,
Delirious from pollen and drunk on wine,
I’m in heaven when I’m here with you,
Wishing for a stretching, endless time.
But your eyes flutter open, widen still,
Push willow leaves behind your ear,
I’m sorry, I really should get going
Into the evening light you disappear.
Rest easy my darling
Let the earth part ways for you
Like the Red Sea or Galilee
And the storm you’re working through.
Don’t look to angry rain clouds
I’ll be your shelter if you ask
The sturdy trunk of an oak tree
From a time that’s come to pass.
Let my arms hold you like branches
Like the boughs of blossom bare
And lush green leaves and berries please
The smell of Autumn there.
I’ll stay with you through rainfall
And every storm of spring
I’ll stay through scorch and desert heat
Hardship, years, everything.
There’s a light at the end of the tunnel
So watch your step and mind the glass
I’ll hold your hand along the way
These times will come to pass.
We will one day reach an opening
And sun will simmer on your skin
We’ll sob into each others arms
We made it oh we made it
[I wrote this as a song, but you can read it as a poem too if you’d like]
Maybe a daffodil will grow from the cracks of my skin
Blooming just adjacent to my lips
I hope the buds stay open longer than my eyes
I hope that moss will cover my closed lids.
Bury me between two sturdy tree trunks
A willow or an oak with bluebells there
Crawling up the bark to reach the heavens
In an intimate, a longing kind of prayer
Gardeners will guard my grave like angels
I’ll take dirt stained jackets over wings any day
The clean, bright world above has always scared me
But I know I have to go I cannot stay.
There are things I cannot tell you so let the questions die with me
Don’t wonder why I’m going all too much
I’ve told the answers only to the September wind
Don’t listen to its whistles, feel its touch
Plant roses round my gravestone til you can’t see it anymore
I want to commemorate the living more than me
No one’s ever happy thinking about dead girls
So please hide it – I don’t want the world to see
I want their eyes on nature and on beauty
On the curve of crimson petals and daisy-grass
I may be gone but keep my inch of the world pretty
And through seasons and through years I will last.
bury me beneath the asphalt
tear back tarmac, take me there
let the world happen above me
as it always has.
You are still beside me
I am sat and you are laid
We are both so silent
But you in different ways.
Your sallow skin is parchment pale
Your once gentle hands are cold
Your body’s filled with tragedy
You were eighteen years old.
I know we took no vows out loud
But it feels so wrong to part
I crave a happy middle
Like I craved a happy start.
What if I just lay here?
Shut my eyes and count to ten
Fade into the nothing
Happy, when I meet you there.