A Request for Gabriel

There’s a place that I call home
Just beyond the sea
Underneath the cotton clouds
An island far from me

My lover stands there waiting
And the land is touched by god
It’s Genesis over again
My name is Eve will you be my friend

We’ll say no to snakes of old
And be the ones legend foretold
We’ll be all human no mistakes
So take me there before I wake

There are times I close my eyes
And listen for the angel cries
I know that you don’t look how they say you do

No golden curls for boys and girls
Hair like light and eyes like pearls
Four wings and arms entrenched in sight
I’ll stare right back you can tell Him that I tried

Look past my face and see my words
Blessings please, I feel so cursed
I don’t know what it means to be
But I think I’m just done with being me

So take me to the island
My hand’s open arms outstretched
A close ending’s not what I want
But it’s really not farfetched

There are tubs of raven ink left
And three quarters half the pages
Would you write it for me?
Make an opus for the ages

I’m not quite The Redeemer
But I sure can try my best
Try not to sin when I see Bathsheba
But I’ll die like all the rest

And that’s not what I’m fighting
Conventional is what I crave
But I won’t get that here
I don’t think I’m quite that brave

Eighty years upon this rock?
Saying I can is empty talk
I don’t want to break this promise

Cos Gabriel, I know what happens
I know, I know how I end
The broken nib, the broken pens
Send me, send me my godsend

A forest of green and grass and tree
A view of ocean, sand, and sea
My Adam laying next to me

This is what I asked for
My heart’s already there
If I ask you everyday
Will you answer my prayer?

Will I be there when I wake?
A fresh new start, worlds apart
Eden’s here I’m out the dark
And the sunlight feels so warm on my face
Is this, what you meant by grace?

From the Sirens Who Fell in Love With the Sailors Instead

I’m hanging between your fingers
Like a puppet on a string
I’ll do anything that you wanted
I’ll do any goddamn thing

I used to stand still like the rocks
But the oceans were stronger than me
Storms came and waves hit
And now I lay in the sea

I’m brittle sand at the shoreline
Shape me into what you want
I’ll do anything that you wanted
You won’t believe there was fight in me once

And one day I will be happy
Underneath the sea
Let waves crash
Let storms brew
Above and beyond me

The rest rest with dirt past your elbows
And soil above their heads
While I’ll choke on fish bones
In my salty seawater bed

The ocean has made me a promise
A pact and a truce if you will
It’ll take me beneath folding waves
I promised it that I’ll behave

No turning back
No turning back

I’ve swam out quite a way now
My feet are touching the floor
You won’t find me my darling
You won’t see me anymore
You can’t rescue me this time
You can’t rush through the door
I’m opening my mouth now
The damage is already done
Don’t wait for me at the coastline
Listen, please, just run.

B Movie Horror

We are pulp of greying red
Two steps from dying three from dead
I’m ribs I’m bones I’m underfed
You’re in my mind you’re in my head

The sky’s open wide and you’re the sun
Smoke and smog you’re in my lungs
Let forests burn let colours run

We’re shades from black we’re barely grey
You’re the night and I’m the day

Collapse into your open palms
Catch me in the falling dark
Parasitic hardly fitting
Was I the thing your heart was missing

Oil spill in the sea poison in my veins
I want different I want the same
Different body different brain

I’m defined by my mistakes
Passed out alone in open space

I’m dying I’m here this is my life
I’m not your girlfriend not your wife
I’m a thing you use and I the same
What end are we meeting what’s this game

Sex driven, hedonism
Two young deaths making little ones together
Is this fulfilling is this whatever
We’re wasting days more of the same
Finding loose ends every day

Enablers, to each other
Two broken brains from different mothers
Shock and shame and B movie horror
Mixed metaphors and cursed explorers
I’m dumb and young and fucked up to death
Meet me at the bitter end
Dying young’s a lovely trend

If you hold me under the star lit sky
I think the world will all make sense
Coming together this jigsaw of heaven
Tell me will we be forgiven

I wanna meet mercy I wanna forget
The things we did the things we said
Is there someone looking out for me?

The sky feels really cold today
The air is empty empty space
We’re on our way to early graves
Drunk on love our souls depraved

I don’t feel happy and I don’t feel full
But it’s close enough that I can’t tell
I know when night fades and we meet dusk
That this is the life that I dreamed of.

We Did Everything Together

[One of these days I’ll be brave enough to record these songs, but today is not that day so here’s the lyrics.]

My heart is empty
But my chest is full
My neck is bruised
And my wrist is pulled

I’m dangling from my sockets
And I’m bleeding from my eyes
My tongue is bitten, red and bloody
Throat is raw with cries.

I’ve never ached with sadness so
I fear I’m going mad
This house is so big without you
But you were all I had

None of these things are really mine
They were bought when you were there
It’s like I live in a graveyard
Or a long deserted square

I’m alone is what I’m saying
And alone is how I’ll die
Let my skin tear like paper
On a dangling washing line.

And that’s where they’ll find me
Rotting, hanging there.
They’ll bury us together
I’ll be quick enough, I swear.

Let me pick through the car crash
And lay amongst the wreck
I’ll take my prozac in the driver’s seat
And we can die the same death.

They’ll bury me in white
My hand buried in yours
Our eyes closed to the world
When they close the coffin doors.

Plant lilies by our gravestones
We liked them both the same
Engrave the marble pretty
And remember our names.

Isn’t that you wanted?
The death of you and me
That’s why you said you’d see me there
When we crashed into that tree

But you only broke my arms
And I woke up to see your face
I don’t remember screaming
But you didn’t look the same.

The Change I Never Wanted

I don’t know if I trick the world
With kind words and smiles aplenty
But I have looked inside myself
And seen that I am empty.
 
If I sink my hand into my skin
And show my white ribs bare
Break open bones and break the cage
You’ll see there’s nothing there.
 
Two tobacco lungs like corridors
Surrounding an empty hole
A blackened pit, a blot, or stain
For a girl without a soul.
 
I don’t know where it went at all
If it was stolen when I slept
Or if the lonely ache was too much to cope
And so got up and left.
 
But I woke up one cloudy morning
To the birds and woodland chimes
And my body was heavy with emptiness
And a blankness to my mind.
 
I work through seas of rain and fog
Can’t see straight, can’t navigate
My map is wrong, the road is gone
Where could I have gone so wrong?
 
And I sat down on the gravel
And let the darkness take me home
Not the one I lived before
A relic of a time now long ago
 
The shadows are my blankets now
And one room remains my cage
I can’t fathom feelings – joy or life
Or aching sadness, rage.
 
There is nothing here any more.
I have no words left in my head.
There’s medication in the dining room
I might off myself instead.

 

Summer Wine

A line of kisses down my front,
The stitching from my head to heart,
Where you live amongst the scarlet,
As if I knew you from the start.

Your skin’s the shade of fresh milk,
The top – the froth beneath the lid,
Spoiled, with bruises like,
The fruit the farm hands hid.

If your neck is peach your hair is lemons,
Squeezed for the finest lemonade,
Tart – not bitter – the colour of summer,
For dizzy dreams beneath the shade.

I lay beside the fallen trunk,
Delirious from pollen and drunk on wine,
I’m in heaven when I’m here with you,
Wishing for a stretching, endless time.

But your eyes flutter open, widen still,
Push willow leaves behind your ear,
I’m sorry, I really should get going
Into the evening light you disappear.

The Prettiest Plot in the Graveyard

[I wrote this as a song, but you can read it as a poem too if you’d like]

 

Maybe a daffodil will grow from the cracks of my skin
Blooming just adjacent to my lips
I hope the buds stay open longer than my eyes
I hope that moss will cover my closed lids.

Bury me between two sturdy tree trunks
A willow or an oak with bluebells there
Crawling up the bark to reach the heavens
In an intimate, a longing kind of prayer

Gardeners will guard my grave like angels
I’ll take dirt stained jackets over wings any day
The clean, bright world above has always scared me
But I know I have to go I cannot stay.

There are things I cannot tell you so let the questions die with me
Don’t wonder why I’m going all too much
I’ve told the answers only to the September wind
Don’t listen to its whistles, feel its touch

Plant roses round my gravestone til you can’t see it anymore
I want to commemorate the living more than me
No one’s ever happy thinking about dead girls
So please hide it – I don’t want the world to see

I want their eyes on nature and on beauty
On the curve of crimson petals and daisy-grass
I may be gone but keep my inch of the world pretty
And through seasons and through years I will last.