Breezy Summer Love

[I completely forgot about this song oh dear my poor unloved creation I’m sorry]

So hold onto me and I’ll hold onto you
The world is big enough for just us two
Let’s watch sunsets
You get undressed
And love me like you’ve always wanted to

The sky is high and the lights are low
Let’s make moments take it slow
Hold me baby
I cannot breathe
When you put your big strong arms around me

I feel safe and I feel home
My heart is full and I’m not alone
Is this a dream?
Is this real life?
I know I’ve wanted this for a while.

Bless me and these summer days
Laid with you up in the shade
Sundress off, bikini on
Sunscreen and tanlines you can’t go wrong

With a breezy summer love
Sent from clouds above
Mimosas on the sidewalk
Learnin’ you’re not all talk
Take me to your house and take my clothes off

Fuck me in this summer heat
I don’t want love but you want me
It’s late July
And we’ll make do
It’s like Lana said ‘the world is built for two’

And I think it works well with me and you.

Come on darling, please don’t cry
I’m not worth it, please don’t mind
Let’s walk along the summer rain
I know that I don’t feel the same

I’ve never been one for serious
Makes me feel like I’m delirious
Don’t blame yourself
It’s not your fault
I never expected this to go so wrong

It’s not that I don’t like boys when they cry
I just can’t stay still I’ll surely die
I’m made for short, I’m made for nights
I can’t change God knows I’ve tried.

When the summer is over don’t say my name
I’ll be a memory, a distant game
And that’s okay
You said you wouldn’t mind
But it’s been a week and it’s you I find
A different kind of man
No one changes like that
Maybe it would never have worked
I was with someone who hasn’t learned

That women aren’t princesses
With tiaras and dresses
Who’ll change their minds
When they meet you

I know that it’s hard
But you still have your fight
The storm it has came
And there’s no more sunny days
So ride off
On your horse
Into the night

And lay beneath the stars
It’ll all be alright.
It’s under heavens you’ll find
You’ll be fine,
without me

A Request for Gabriel

Call me a pessimist
But this glass isn’t full at all
I’ve been waiting all my life
And now my back’s against the wall

I’m a shadow haunting the way
Of a path I shouldn’t be on
Walking alone through a place I don’t want to call home

Forests filled with golden leaves
I see I’m hanging amongst the trees
Like a new star in a sky of white
String me up against the night
I’ve closed my eyes to dark I want the light

It’s not Americana
Or 50s nostalgia
Generations defined by cyanide
Dosed on sertraline at least I tried
to know something more than this

I wish that I knew what it meant
To be awake in my own bed
But I don’t
And I don’t know if I will
But I’m trying really hard
And that’s what it means to be

There’s a place that I call home
Just beyond the sea
Underneath the cotton clouds
An island far from me

My lover stands there waiting
And the land is touched by god
It’s Genesis over again
My name is Eve will you be my friend

We’ll say no to snakes of old
And be the ones legend foretold
We’ll be all human no mistakes
So take me there before I wake

There are times I close my eyes
And listen for the angel cries
I know that you don’t look how they say you do

No golden curls for boys and girls
Hair like light and eyes like pearls
Four wings and arms entrenched in sight
I’ll stare right back you can tell Him that I tried

Look past my face and see my words
Blessings please, I feel so cursed
I don’t know what it means to be
But I think I’m just done with being me

So take me to the island
My hand’s open arms outstretched
A close ending’s not what I want
But it’s really not farfetched

There are tubs of raven ink left
And three quarters half the pages
Would you write it for me?
Make an opus for the ages

I’m not quite The Redeemer
But I sure can try my best
Try not to sin when I see Bathsheba
But I’ll die like all the rest

And that’s not what I’m fighting
Conventional is what I crave
But I won’t get that here
I don’t think I’m quite that brave

Eighty years upon this rock?
Saying I can is empty talk
I don’t want to break this promise

Cos Gabriel, I know what happens
I know, I know how I end
The broken nib, the broken pens
Send me, send me my godsend

A forest of green and grass and tree
A view of ocean, sand, and sea
My Adam laying next to me

This is what I asked for
My heart’s already there
If I ask you everyday
Will you answer my prayer?

Will I be there when I wake?
A fresh new start, worlds apart
Eden’s here I’m out the dark
And the sunlight feels so warm on my face
Is this, what you meant by grace?

From the Sirens Who Fell in Love With the Sailors Instead

I’m hanging between your fingers
Like a puppet on a string
I’ll do anything that you wanted
I’ll do any goddamn thing

I used to stand still like the rocks
But the oceans were stronger than me
Storms came and waves hit
And now I lay in the sea

I’m brittle sand at the shoreline
Shape me into what you want
I’ll do anything that you wanted
You won’t believe there was fight in me once

And one day I will be happy
Underneath the sea
Let waves crash
Let storms brew
Above and beyond me

The rest rest with dirt past your elbows
And soil above their heads
While I’ll choke on fish bones
In my salty seawater bed

The ocean has made me a promise
A pact and a truce if you will
It’ll take me beneath folding waves
I promised it that I’ll behave

No turning back
No turning back

I’ve swam out quite a way now
My feet are touching the floor
You won’t find me my darling
You won’t see me anymore
You can’t rescue me this time
You can’t rush through the door
I’m opening my mouth now
The damage is already done
Don’t wait for me at the coastline
Listen, please, just run.

B Movie Horror

We are pulp of greying red
Two steps from dying three from dead
I’m ribs I’m bones I’m underfed
You’re in my mind you’re in my head

The sky’s open wide and you’re the sun
Smoke and smog you’re in my lungs
Let forests burn let colours run

We’re shades from black we’re barely grey
You’re the night and I’m the day

Collapse into your open palms
Catch me in the falling dark
Parasitic hardly fitting
Was I the thing your heart was missing

Oil spill in the sea poison in my veins
I want different I want the same
Different body different brain

I’m defined by my mistakes
Passed out alone in open space

I’m dying I’m here this is my life
I’m not your girlfriend not your wife
I’m a thing you use and I the same
What end are we meeting what’s this game

Sex driven, hedonism
Two young deaths making little ones together
Is this fulfilling is this whatever
We’re wasting days more of the same
Finding loose ends every day

Enablers, to each other
Two broken brains from different mothers
Shock and shame and B movie horror
Mixed metaphors and cursed explorers
I’m dumb and young and fucked up to death
Meet me at the bitter end
Dying young’s a lovely trend

If you hold me under the star lit sky
I think the world will all make sense
Coming together this jigsaw of heaven
Tell me will we be forgiven

I wanna meet mercy I wanna forget
The things we did the things we said
Is there someone looking out for me?

The sky feels really cold today
The air is empty empty space
We’re on our way to early graves
Drunk on love our souls depraved

I don’t feel happy and I don’t feel full
But it’s close enough that I can’t tell
I know when night fades and we meet dusk
That this is the life that I dreamed of.

We Did Everything Together

[One of these days I’ll be brave enough to record these songs, but today is not that day so here’s the lyrics.]

My heart is empty
But my chest is full
My neck is bruised
And my wrist is pulled

I’m dangling from my sockets
And I’m bleeding from my eyes
My tongue is bitten, red and bloody
Throat is raw with cries.

I’ve never ached with sadness so
I fear I’m going mad
This house is so big without you
But you were all I had

None of these things are really mine
They were bought when you were there
It’s like I live in a graveyard
Or a long deserted square

I’m alone is what I’m saying
And alone is how I’ll die
Let my skin tear like paper
On a dangling washing line.

And that’s where they’ll find me
Rotting, hanging there.
They’ll bury us together
I’ll be quick enough, I swear.

Let me pick through the car crash
And lay amongst the wreck
I’ll take my prozac in the driver’s seat
And we can die the same death.

They’ll bury me in white
My hand buried in yours
Our eyes closed to the world
When they close the coffin doors.

Plant lilies by our gravestones
We liked them both the same
Engrave the marble pretty
And remember our names.

Isn’t that you wanted?
The death of you and me
That’s why you said you’d see me there
When we crashed into that tree

But you only broke my arms
And I woke up to see your face
I don’t remember screaming
But you didn’t look the same.

Heidi

[Wow I managed to write a song that wasn’t about a subject matter entirely horrendous. Unrequited love is more conventional, at least]

There are words between my lips
Words that I dare not say
I think of love and years
Of recalling yesterday.

I may be foolish but not stupid
Yes I fell in love with a ghost
I’ll try and purge you from my memory
Yes I’ll do my utmost.

Maybe that’s what sets me apart
From all the other guys
Who slept with you one winter day
And fell in love with your eyes.

They didn’t look away quick enough
They fell into a trance
And thought Heidi’s really lovely
I’m sure she’ll give me a chance.

No, me I know your power
I was out the door that night
I thought about you as I crossed the road
At the green traffic lights

You make my mind so silly
And you make my heart cry loud
But I know that it is fruitless
I’m just another in a crowd.

There are realms of guys who love you
In every town and every place
That you’ve ever graced your presence
In silken skirts, lipstick and lace

I’m really not that special
I’m mediocrity at best
Unexceptional to you
Yes I’ll fade into the rest.

Some days I think about you
If you’re cov’ring something up
That’s why you pick up people put them down
Like we put down coffee cups

Is there a hole inside your ribcage?
Where a broken heart does beat?
And a voice in your head that tells you
To throw yourself a thousand feet

I may not be as pretty
Or have the same way to cope
But Heidi please just listen
Just know you’re not alone

You deserve a nicer world
And you deserve a kinder mind
An inside voice as lovely
As the one you use outside.

I don’t expect one thing from you
Not a smile not a kiss
Oh I just want you better
You’d be terrible to miss.

The Rope You’ll Use To Hang Me

[As with another of my songs, this deals with the topic of abuse and domestic violence. If this is a topic that is triggering for you, I’d recommend against reading.

Also, just a heads up for anyone who knows me in real life and may be concerned about the content I write sometimes: my work is not all inspired by close personal experience. I have tried writing mental health poetry about my genuine experiences and it always feels too strange and personal for me to publish online. There are little pieces of truth in a few lines, and the overall feeling it the poem is often experienced by me at some point. But between grief and domestic violence, I am lucky enough to say I have never experienced either.]

 

You’re razors to my forearms
And a rope around my neck
You’re the wounds I keep inflicting
You’re always a step ahead

I post on twitter about my feelings
About the storm tearing me up
And next thing you’re in DMs asking if I’m up

And I hate myself for getting a taxi there.
I hate myself for knowing how I’ll feel the day after
And I hate myself for doing it anyway
And I hate myself in general today

He asks me where I’m going
I feel sick at your address
Your postcode on my lips
And tattooed across my neck

Like the rope you’ll use to hang me
Make it clean just do your best
If you ask if I’m alright with this
Give you a thumbs up and say yes

There’s a word for guys like you
And a word for girls like me
It’s written on the bathroom walls
Of our college and secondary

I wish you didn’t haunt me
And I wish I didn’t like ghosts
But you’re water in my lungs
And God, do I like to choke

But when I turn up
In your favourite black dress

My heart sinks to my stomach
And I fall in love again.

Your words are just so light and kind
Your scent like lemon soap
It’s hard to think you’ve been hitting me
Since we were thirteen years old.

It’s hard to think about the words you called me
A whore, a slut, a cunt
That my dad was right to beat me
That you’re not nasty you’re just blunt

And maybe I deserve it
This broken state of things
Cos I poison boys like berries
With all the pain I bring

And you’re only still here
Cos you built up a tolerance
I’d kill anyone else who knew me
I’m a cancer, a cholera

My tongue is flecked with toxins
And behind my eyes lay sin
You drag me back inside
When I turn and start running

A change of heart just isn’t right
When you got me up at ten
You tidied your apartment
Not that I deserved it then

But I’m gonna get what I came for
In heavy breaths or heavy fists
And so I choose the former
Always have, this always is.